Why I Hate Hiking with Boys

Blue River Oregon Oregon State University

 a few reasons why I hate hiking with boys

* disclaimer:

I have quite a number of close friends who are male, and, for the most part, I really enjoy hiking with them. This list isn’t pointing fingers at any one person (okay, maybe it is a little bit– or a lot a bit. I’m sure some of you can probably figure out who I’m talking about here…).  But I’m not naming any names. 

I know some girls who are guilty of a number of these as well.

You are also annoying to hike with. 

Jackson Hole Wyoming

I know just how you feel, Eric.
Hiking around in the mountains at Jackson Hole Mountain Resort, Wyoming.

  • They walk too fast.

They have longer legs and therefore a slightly bigger stride, which is annoying. I’m a tall gal, and I still can’t keep up. Maybe I need to find some shorter hiking companions. Or just more people like me who like to shift into first gear and stay there. What’s the rush anyway?

Some of us prefer to walk downhill, not Buzz Lightyear it, aka ‘falling, with style:’ a combination of running/controlled falling down the trail. I hurt myself when I go that fast. Slow down!

Utah leaping

Well, that’s one way to get across that gap.
Dead Horse State Park, Utah.

  • They wait, but not really.

You know that thing where they get way ahead of you on the trail, eventually stop and wait until you catch up, and then as soon as you reach them they take off again?

ANNOYING.

I’d punch you if I had the breath, and if you stopped long enough for me to catch you. Just because it took me more time to get to where you are doesn’t mean it was less effort. Maybe I’d like a break too. And if I stop to take a breather while you keep going there will still be a gap between us on the trail. That gap will not go away the more you do this, either. But let’s keep trying it, shall we?

southern Utah Paria area

See that black spot that’s not a fence post? That would be my hiking companion.
Paria Canyon area, Utah.

  • Peeing. It’s just so easy for you.

Some males don’t understand that for women, peeing involves more than just standing to the side of the trail for two seconds. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come up on my hiking partner, about to ask what he was looking at, and then realised he was peeing. For girls, it’s a process: taking your pack off, searching out a discreet place, positioning so you don’t pee on your shoes/pants.

So hearing “you take forever” is not helpful. I can’t just whip it out, so take a chill pill.

Also, I’m amazed at how small their bladders can be. Maybe I’m just really good at holding it, but still. Five times in two hours– you might want to get that checked out.

southern Utah, Castleton Tower

On the way back down from Castleton Tower, Utah. He’s actually eating lunch, not peeing. I’m not that perverted that I take pictures of people urinating. Geesh. That’s gross.

  • They really know how to enhance any spectacular vista.

“Wow, look at that view of the Himalayas. It’s breathtaking. I can’t believe we’re actually standing up here at Annapurna Base Camp.”

“bRRRAAAaaaapPPP.”

“Nice. You’re really enhancing my experience here. Wait. Oh God. Was that you? Dude, my nose hairs are burning. You really need to take some Beano or something, your farts are potent. Holy crap, I think I’m gonna pass out. Man, I think your farts are 10 times worse at altitude.”

Nepal trek Annapurna Base Camp

Luckily, this picture only captures the view, not the stench.
Annapurna Base Camp, Nepal.

  • In general, they smell funky.

Sometimes it’s a semi-pleasing funky, other times not so much. There is something to be said for pheromones, but there comes a point where the B.O. is overpowering.

There are two parts to this.

Either:

1. They don’t sweat at all, which makes you feel way out of shape, and like a nasty, disgusting slob of goop. Whoever said “Girls don’t sweat, they glisten” has obviously never hiked to Annapurna Base Camp. Or done field work in South Carolina in the summer.

or

2. They sweat too much, and then you feel weird for not being as gross as they are. As I generally seem to only go hiking with boys who are in much better shape than I am, I get distrustful when they’re sweatier than I am. Why is this not as strenuous for me?

Also, the sweat increases the funk smell. Like dogs, most boys tend to smell worse when wet. Deodorant is not a bad thing, just sayin. If you’re worried about the aluminum, get some Tom’s of Maine. They make super-fancy natural aluminum-free stuff. USE IT.

use deodorant smelly

To modify a phrase my mother likes to use:
“And that’s why God invented deodorant.”

  • No, I don’t want to look at your poop.

I don’t want to see your poo when we’re indoors, what makes you think that I’d be interested now that we’re outside?

And heck no am I ever ever EVER doing this with you, so stop asking:

how to poop in the woods positions

And there are more: check out this link–>  Here are the best positions for pooping in the woods

Not only is it gross, but I don’t think there is anyone on this planet I trust enough to link arms with while I poop in the woods. There are just too many things that could go wrong with that picture. Especially if one person doesn’t have the greatest balance…

I enjoy my privacy and alone time, thank you very much.

Nova Scotia national park hiking trail

I go to the woods to be alone. Not to watch you poo.
Cape Breton National Park, Nova Scotia.

  • Blowing snot rockets is disgusting.

I don’t care that we’re outside, it’s still gross. Especially because you’re so far ahead of me that I get to walk past all of them. Nasty.

Alexander Graham Bell and Mrs. Bell statue Nova Scotia

I’ll bet Mrs. Graham Bell didn’t put up with any of that nastiness.
Statue of Alexander Graham Bell and his wife in Baddeck, Nova Scotia.

And now, to leave you with a joke:

From the website The Trailmaster

How to Cross a River

One day three men were hiking along and came upon a wide, raging river. They needed to get to the other side, but it looked impossible to ford, and they had no idea how to do it.

The first man prayed: “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.”

Poof! God gave him big strong arms and legs and he was able to swim across the river, though it took him two hours to do it.

Seeing this, the second man prayed: “Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river.”

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river, though it took him three hours to do it.

The third man had observed how this had worked out for his two hiking buddies, so he also prayed, saying, “Please God, give me the strength, ability and intelligence to cross this river.”

Poof! God turned him into a woman. He looked at the trail map, and in a minute walked across the bridge.

ever-disappeared-while-hiking-friendship-ecard-someecards

Or unless I got hungry.

Advertisements